Toenail Police

As I was at the drugstore today picking up my colonoscopy prep...(ok, maybe I shouldn't have opened with that?), I noticed this woman's toenails who was checking out next to me.  All I can say is , OH MY GOD!!!!  No one should allow their toenails to grow out to the length where they could physically reach out with the foot and scratch your back!!  Someone call 911 and get the toenail police here ASAP, this woman needs to be arrested for sure.  I'm just glad she didn't see me taking the picture, for sure she would have donkey kicked me and scratched my eyes out!

The New Look

I am one of those people who is CONSTANTLY wanting to re-arrange my furniture or trying to find new ways to organize my tupperware.  Sometimes I do it just to drive LOML (Love of my Life) crazy.  He calls it "my new system" when he comes home and he sees that I have emptied out all the cabinets thinking that if I move the plates to a new space it will make all of the clutter in my kitchen disappear.  I think he likes to use it as a way to get out of unloading the dishes:)   It's a little game we play, I move everything around, don't tell him where anything is and watch him go around the kitchen trying to find a cup.  Moving furniture is a whole different ball-game, and it usually calls for a mid afternoon call to the office to get a feel for the mood before I start moving sofas and beds around.  He is a very organized person and very neat...me? Not so much.  As I said, I am in a constant moving, reorganizing mode.  Hence the reason for the new look here- clean and somewhat un-cluttered...hope you like.  But don't get used to it, I can almost promise you it will be different next week.

The Tugging Syndrome

Baby Boy has found a new way of communicating these days...he grabs you by the collar, shirt tail, or pant leg (whatever he can reach at the moment)  and pulls you where he wants you to go, generally grunting while he pulls. This is all very new to me- Baby Girl 1 and Baby Girl 2 never did anything like this.  I have to admit, it's very cute, and I love watching him do it to other people.  One night last week I did not find it so cute.  I was standing at the stove cooking dinner  wearing my elastic waist gym shorts....can you see where I am going with this?  It was the great witching hour for those of us with small children, that time right before dinner when things seem to start unraveling at the seams, and BB was really quite frustrated by my lack of attention to his needs as I slaved over the hot pot of mac-n-cheese.  After several failed attempts to get me to get him a cookie, he came up behind me for what I thought may be one of his sweet hugs around the legs...no, in an attempt to "pull" me to the cookie jar- he pulled my shorts down.

Note to self: always securely tie draw string shorts/pants while around small children.

Mad Men vs. Bewtiched

Opening credits for Mad Men: Don Draper falling to his demise out of his office building in New York
vs.
Opening credits for Bewitched: Samantha flying over a city scape on her broom and wiggling her nose.

Marriage of Don and Betty: Fallen on hard times because of Don's lies and deception to his wife.
vs.
Marriage of Darrin and Samantha: Seems unstable due to the fact that Samantha is lying to everyone about her being a witch.

More???  You tell me.

Holy cow, did you see that freight train that just rolled over me!  Wow, that was a big one!  Come on tiger, get back out there and keep it moving, two kids still need to get to bed and daddy ain't home yet!  You can do it!!!  And if anyone is actually reading this blog, can you please contact my doctor and ask him to please reconsider the "limited" caffeine (oh, and did I mention no diet cokes- not limited, but NONE?)?  And yes, I think that he should be tested for drugs because he is obviously smokin' crack!

Umm.... "limit your caffeine".... you have got to be kidding me!

So, I have been having some "issues" and went to go see my doctor today.  He is making some DRASTIC changes to my diet that could possibly be hazardous to the health of all those around me (especially the four that live in my house).
HE WANTS ME TO CUT BACK TO ONE CUP OF COFFEE A DAY...AND NO CREAM IN MY COFFEE!!!!!!!! (Ok, so you see here- this means NO coffee since I don't drink it with out cream!) I feel sure this is some cruel prank or I am being"punked" for some reality tv show.  On top of that, this all gets handed down to me the day before my girls start at a new school which requires us to all be up and out of the house by 7 am!  Yeah right, this is going to go over well in the morning...if I survive- I'll write to tell about it.  It should read like a horror story...

Jane Austen

My new book is Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice.  If you have read it, please tell me what you think.  I have seen the movie, and now reading the book- backwards, I know.  It is not an easy read because of the language, but a wonderful story. (Funny and romantic:)!)

The "Talk"

It is the most dreaded conversation for parents, but for me, it was one that I could not even fathom having with my girls anytime in the near future...BUT it happened.  Today.  In the car. As I was driving them to their new school.  Not the most ideal location, but I had an opportunity where they couldn't get away from me, and the situation presented itself to me last night after over hearing a conversation they were having with their younger cousins...que the real awkwardness.
Rewind to last night when, as I did laundry in one room, I over heard the girls talking about an album cover on my itunes ("Sex in the City").  One of them says, "We can't listen to that, it has a bad word in it."
Oh no!  Baby Girl 2 to Baby Girl 1, "You tell them what the bad word is." Oh heck no! This is NOT happening.  I'm not ready! "S.E.X.," says Baby Girl 1.  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Quickly I give them all the five minute warning and tell the cousins to scoot it back down to their house.
Mentally not ready for what lay ahead of me, I got the girls to go to bed and put and end to ANY conversation period!
Fast forward to this morning riding to the new school.  (Again, I realize this is not the most opportune time, but what the heck, I'll give it a go.)  My main concern is that my daughters feel like they can come to us about ANYTHING.  I want the lines of communication to be completely open.
So, I looked at my two little innocent angels in the very back of my van who singing along to Radio Disney and having a grand ole time when I decide to throw down the gauntlet.  Turn off the radio only to receive looks of what the hell are you doing from the back seat. I ask them about the conversation they were having with their cousins the night before and if they new what that word meant.  Baby Girl 2 (middle child), who had been looking at me very intently the whole time slowly eases back behind the seat in front of her removing herself from my sight line.  "Yes", says Baby Girl 1, "It's when people do stuff together.  A guy and girl sleep together."
"Where did you hear about this?", I ask.  Are you ready for this????
"At Grandmama's house, it was on the 7th Heaven tv show." (That sound you heard was me being written out of my mother's will for putting this out there for anyone and everyone to see.)
Apparently, 7th Heaven did a good and wholesome job in one of the later episodes with the "talk".   But if that doesn't work, try this one...
http://www.ted.com/talks/julia_sweeney_has_the_talk.htm
The jury is still out, but I think I faired better than Ms. Sweeney! Poor gal!  ONLY ANSWER THE QUESTIONS THEY ASK DO NOT PROVIDE ANYMORE INFORMATION THAN THAT!!

Beer

When LOML and I were out to dinner the other night, and perusing the beer and wine (list as we always do), we came across this description for Stella Artois.,
"A beer of a golden color with a light white head."
Thanks, because I am from Mars and have never seen a beer before!  Glad I can recognize one now.

traffic

  Traffic is just really annoying period, but people make it worse...  Like who are those people who are constantly playing leap frog with you on the road?  You know the ones, they go really slow...so you go around.  Then the next thing you know they are speeding by you, only to slow down again!
Also, why can't people learn to slowly merge over when given ample warning? (as in five miles of signs that say "Road Work five miles, left lane will end.") Instead of trying to use that five miles to slowly get into the right lane, these people drive as fast as their little pieces of metal will carry them to the very tip of where the lane finally ends, causing the right lane to have to slow down and let all of these DA's in!  Today...this happened to ME!!!  I was in the driver's seat and had quite enough by the time I got to mile 4.5, and took matters into my own hands.  I think the couple behind me thought I had lost my mind...but this is how it went down.  Using my college educated brain, I asked myself "Self, now how can I show these people flying up in the left lane trying to cut in line (the one in which I and several others had been waiting in for about 45 minutes now) that what they are doing is just not right?"  Self answered, "Pull your big ass van into the middle and straddle the line where they can't get around you!"  BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!  I only had one very determined little BMW get by me!
They guy behind me and his companion where shaking their heads, but you know what?  The dude in front of me caught on! It was beautiful, we rode the line till the lanes finally merged- POWER TO THE PEOPLE!! (The people who know how to drive that is!)  If you can't properly operate a motorized vehicle that someone obviously had enough faith in you to give you a license for- PLEASE GET OFF THE ROAD!!!!!